I'm in the wading pool now...

I've been spending the last few days looking to the future and trying to reconnect it to my past. I had a car wreak, as anyone who knows me knows, and I've got some holes in my brain because of it. More accurately, holes in my memory. I want to feel complete (and for the most part I do), but sometimes when I have an abundance of time alone, I wonder if I'm missing anything. At times images flash into my mind and I can't place them. That's a scary place to be in and I'm not sure that anyone around me gets how scary it is. But I have to say that lately fate has led me to some interesting turns. I have tried to reconnect to four people lately. A well-selected chosen four people that I wanted to talk to because (from what I remember) I admired them tremendously for one reason or another.

The first is someone who always tried to make me think of my character before I said or did anything and I ran across her email. I saw it and immediately a weight came off my shoulders when I emailed her. She has not responded. The weight isn't back on my shoulders, but I'm extremely disappointed. I had wanted this person back in my life alot. That is the outcome that I had hoped for with her. Maybe it's not the right time.

The second is a friend that always made me aspire to outdo myself. She led by example and never talked at me and listened when I needed to talk about how much I had messed up. Then she would challenge me to do better. She hadn't responded and then yesterday, I opened my email to find one from her. In her reserved and busy way, she was welcoming. Thank God, I don't know if I could handle more rejection.

The third is a friend who taught me to be a better friend. I really thought that she wouldn't email me back but she was excited to hear from me. We've been writing a couple of times a day since I emailed her. Yea!!! Two for Three, that's getting the average up there some more.

The fourth... she's the one I always wanted to emulate. She's always been a free spirit and she had taught me to open my eyes and look around. I had very rigid opinions about everything and envied that she could accept the other person's opinions without it blighting that person. She seemed to accept everyone, no questions asked. I can remember (very clearly, for once) that when she told me that she was getting married and moving away, she held me while I cried. I honestly had become so used to having her energy in my life that I couldn't imagine what the world would be like without it near. And on what should have been a joyous occasion for her, I cried for myself because I was that selfish. I've been very careful about contacting her because I'm not sure if she remembers how truly selfish I had been. Even if she does remember, will she care that I've tried to make improvements? Or will she still look for those selfish moments that I have tried to erase from my life?
Well, I broke down. I contacted her...

I'm Up to My Ankle Now...

I didn't just abondon my blog. Which, quite frankly, I thought about doing. But maybe this is fate and I am supposed to use this as a catharsis. So, instead of sleeping, I'm blogging. I'm doing great on my time management.
My friend Megan and I have reconnected. I'm blessed to be able to still have friends after what a bitch I have been to some people. Not that I was ever a bitch to Megan, but she witnessed it a lot. I'm really pleased, though, that Megan is still sweet and supportive, like I remember. Makes this whole process easier. I've sent out some emails to people that I wanted to talk to from high school and they haven't responded. I'm not sure if that's a " I don't check my email thing" or a "I really couldn't stand you before, what makes you think that now is different? thing". I kind of feel like I'm dating again. You put yourself out there, youget rejected, you do it again. Thank God I don't have to date anymore. I don't know if I could handle rejection on that many fronts.

Testing the waters with my big toe...

This is a new expeience for me. I would like to think that I've gone through a lot of changes in the last couple of years, and one of the biggest is that I'm willing to put my life on the internet. So at the moment, I'm just testing my big toe....
I'm really concentrating on making some changes that are better for all of mankind, not just me. I just made the decision to buy a hybrid whenI get a new car in a couple of years and I'm going to start recycling and buying more recycled products. I understand that it costs more, but you get what you pay for, right? I'm trying to do more to help my body but somehow that damn Pepsi finds it's way into my shopping cart. And lettuce doesn't. I'm also trying to reconnect with some people who were really important to me, but I lost contact with them. I haven't had much success reconnecting, but I'm going to keep trying. Try and try again. It just makes me wonder: how truly horrible have I been? Is karma still kicking me in the ass for the bad things that I have done??