I'm in the wading pool now...
I've been spending the last few days looking to the future and trying to reconnect it to my past. I had a car wreak, as anyone who knows me knows, and I've got some holes in my brain because of it. More accurately, holes in my memory. I want to feel complete (and for the most part I do), but sometimes when I have an abundance of time alone, I wonder if I'm missing anything. At times images flash into my mind and I can't place them. That's a scary place to be in and I'm not sure that anyone around me gets how scary it is. But I have to say that lately fate has led me to some interesting turns. I have tried to reconnect to four people lately. A well-selected chosen four people that I wanted to talk to because (from what I remember) I admired them tremendously for one reason or another.
The first is someone who always tried to make me think of my character before I said or did anything and I ran across her email. I saw it and immediately a weight came off my shoulders when I emailed her. She has not responded. The weight isn't back on my shoulders, but I'm extremely disappointed. I had wanted this person back in my life alot. That is the outcome that I had hoped for with her. Maybe it's not the right time.
The second is a friend that always made me aspire to outdo myself. She led by example and never talked at me and listened when I needed to talk about how much I had messed up. Then she would challenge me to do better. She hadn't responded and then yesterday, I opened my email to find one from her. In her reserved and busy way, she was welcoming. Thank God, I don't know if I could handle more rejection.
The third is a friend who taught me to be a better friend. I really thought that she wouldn't email me back but she was excited to hear from me. We've been writing a couple of times a day since I emailed her. Yea!!! Two for Three, that's getting the average up there some more.
The fourth... she's the one I always wanted to emulate. She's always been a free spirit and she had taught me to open my eyes and look around. I had very rigid opinions about everything and envied that she could accept the other person's opinions without it blighting that person. She seemed to accept everyone, no questions asked. I can remember (very clearly, for once) that when she told me that she was getting married and moving away, she held me while I cried. I honestly had become so used to having her energy in my life that I couldn't imagine what the world would be like without it near. And on what should have been a joyous occasion for her, I cried for myself because I was that selfish. I've been very careful about contacting her because I'm not sure if she remembers how truly selfish I had been. Even if she does remember, will she care that I've tried to make improvements? Or will she still look for those selfish moments that I have tried to erase from my life?
Well, I broke down. I contacted her...
I've been spending the last few days looking to the future and trying to reconnect it to my past. I had a car wreak, as anyone who knows me knows, and I've got some holes in my brain because of it. More accurately, holes in my memory. I want to feel complete (and for the most part I do), but sometimes when I have an abundance of time alone, I wonder if I'm missing anything. At times images flash into my mind and I can't place them. That's a scary place to be in and I'm not sure that anyone around me gets how scary it is. But I have to say that lately fate has led me to some interesting turns. I have tried to reconnect to four people lately. A well-selected chosen four people that I wanted to talk to because (from what I remember) I admired them tremendously for one reason or another.
The first is someone who always tried to make me think of my character before I said or did anything and I ran across her email. I saw it and immediately a weight came off my shoulders when I emailed her. She has not responded. The weight isn't back on my shoulders, but I'm extremely disappointed. I had wanted this person back in my life alot. That is the outcome that I had hoped for with her. Maybe it's not the right time.
The second is a friend that always made me aspire to outdo myself. She led by example and never talked at me and listened when I needed to talk about how much I had messed up. Then she would challenge me to do better. She hadn't responded and then yesterday, I opened my email to find one from her. In her reserved and busy way, she was welcoming. Thank God, I don't know if I could handle more rejection.
The third is a friend who taught me to be a better friend. I really thought that she wouldn't email me back but she was excited to hear from me. We've been writing a couple of times a day since I emailed her. Yea!!! Two for Three, that's getting the average up there some more.
The fourth... she's the one I always wanted to emulate. She's always been a free spirit and she had taught me to open my eyes and look around. I had very rigid opinions about everything and envied that she could accept the other person's opinions without it blighting that person. She seemed to accept everyone, no questions asked. I can remember (very clearly, for once) that when she told me that she was getting married and moving away, she held me while I cried. I honestly had become so used to having her energy in my life that I couldn't imagine what the world would be like without it near. And on what should have been a joyous occasion for her, I cried for myself because I was that selfish. I've been very careful about contacting her because I'm not sure if she remembers how truly selfish I had been. Even if she does remember, will she care that I've tried to make improvements? Or will she still look for those selfish moments that I have tried to erase from my life?
Well, I broke down. I contacted her...
posted by Callie @ 11:28 AM
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