It's all coming together... I think...
This past Monday I started school. I feel like I've found a niche. I think that I can completely thrive in the career path that I've chosen with some carefully guided turns. I think that I've been destined for a career taking care of people my whole life. While I never considered becoming a nurse when I was young, I did consider being a doctor. Then I discovered that I'm not real hip on science. So went out the window. But nursing... I really feel at home in that field.
Except, kinda not at home in my class. Everytime I walk into that classroom, I feel a sense of abandonment. I can't help it. Nothing has really been the same in my life since my birthday and I can't help that either.
I find myself being very guarded with others. Even those that are supposed to be the closest to me. All this really crazy stuff has happened to me in the last month and I feel like there's only one person that I have been able to share it all with. (Besides my boyfriend, who's been as wonderful as he knows how.) And I don't get a lot of time to talk to her or don't really know if I can tell her everything because she's preoccupied with her life as well and I don't want to make things worse.
The reason she's the only one is she's never hurt me. Because there's this thing that happens to me when I get hurt. My heart closes off a piece at a time everytime I get hurt so by the time something really huge happens, the relationship is irreparable because I'm not willing to put myself out there enough for it to be the same. That may be the single biggest flaw that I have. I cannot forgive and forget. I can understand reasoning, but I don't forgive. And I never forget. That's probably the single biggest reason I don't have a lot of friends.
I guess I'll just have to keep moving, because I honestly don't know any other way of dealing with all the crap that I'm facing right now. And the only thing that I'm sure of in this life right at this moment is that I want to find success at what I'm doing. Maybe then, the other stuff will fall into place.
This past Monday I started school. I feel like I've found a niche. I think that I can completely thrive in the career path that I've chosen with some carefully guided turns. I think that I've been destined for a career taking care of people my whole life. While I never considered becoming a nurse when I was young, I did consider being a doctor. Then I discovered that I'm not real hip on science. So went out the window. But nursing... I really feel at home in that field.
Except, kinda not at home in my class. Everytime I walk into that classroom, I feel a sense of abandonment. I can't help it. Nothing has really been the same in my life since my birthday and I can't help that either.
I find myself being very guarded with others. Even those that are supposed to be the closest to me. All this really crazy stuff has happened to me in the last month and I feel like there's only one person that I have been able to share it all with. (Besides my boyfriend, who's been as wonderful as he knows how.) And I don't get a lot of time to talk to her or don't really know if I can tell her everything because she's preoccupied with her life as well and I don't want to make things worse.
The reason she's the only one is she's never hurt me. Because there's this thing that happens to me when I get hurt. My heart closes off a piece at a time everytime I get hurt so by the time something really huge happens, the relationship is irreparable because I'm not willing to put myself out there enough for it to be the same. That may be the single biggest flaw that I have. I cannot forgive and forget. I can understand reasoning, but I don't forgive. And I never forget. That's probably the single biggest reason I don't have a lot of friends.
I guess I'll just have to keep moving, because I honestly don't know any other way of dealing with all the crap that I'm facing right now. And the only thing that I'm sure of in this life right at this moment is that I want to find success at what I'm doing. Maybe then, the other stuff will fall into place.
posted by Callie @ 10:23 AM
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